Kevin Bridges is a Scottish comedian, actor, and author known for his observational humour and engaging storytelling style.
Talking about God.. talking about the big man!
Oh Lord, the Saviour, Jesus the Almighty!
Amen! It sounds amazing and here
I listen to the religious stories…
Jesus, Mary, Joseph… I hope it is true.. for
Joseph’s sake!
I respect that guy’s faith… the strength of
that guy’s faith! What a mentally strong
guy Joseph must have been! Hey, he’s he’s
in a relationship… they have never had
sexual intercourse… but one day his missus announces
that she is pregnant.
And as far as I’m aware, Joseph calmly let her explain, right… not uh.. her never raised his voice.. he never punched a wall! Not a plasterer in Bethlehem made a penny out of Mary’s announcement.
Because Joseph had faith.. and Mary explained that the father of the child was in actual fact God, and God had sent his only son to Mary for her to give birth to, so that his only son could go on to save the world from its sins and Joseph, glass half full kinda guy, accepted that.
However, I would just have liked if the Bible had elaborated ever so slightly on that entire episode- in particular the chapters were Joseph the carpenter breaks his news to the rest of the building site.
I’d like to have read some of them paragraphs, right! The carpenters, they’re on the lunch break, just shooting the shit, and then Joseph tells them “Ah, so Mary’s pregnant.” They were probably high-fiving him. “Fucking yes Joe! Shagger! Yes Joe!
But then Joe puts a dampener on the enthusiasm by saying “naw, the baby is not actually mine.” “What the fuck Joe?!” The carpenters think they’re gonna have to go and leather somebody.
And then Joe would say “no the baby actually belongs to God, and God has sent his only son to Mary, so that Mary can give birth to his only son, and his only son can go on to save the world from its sins. And it was on that building site where the concept of atheism originated. It was for ancient Greeks or academics or scientists or intellectuals or Richard Dawkins. It was workers…. who had the awakening by saying “Joe, she sounds like fucking psycho!”
I hope is true, I hope it’s true! I hope Joe had the last laugh. Jesus is born a son who can turn water into wine! What an
asset for a humble carpenter! I hope that building site apologised to Joe! Every Friday night, I hope they were heading back to Joe’s… “let’s get back to yours Joe. Wake up do wee man! Fucking yes! I love going back to Joe’s when the wee man’s in. Brilliant in it! We’ll wait in the living room, Joe. You go and get him!” Joe’s fucking staggering into Jesus’s bedroom.. “Wee man! You awake wee man? Sorry pal, sorry! I know it’s past your bedtime. Come into the living room pal. Come on, come on through. Here is. Right wee man, get your uncle Abraham a wine.”
I hope Joe was standing proud as fuck. “Ah he’s different class isn’t he Jacob? Boy’s superb. Come on we’ll go find a blind cunt. Wait til you see this one!” Wee Joe.. I like wee Joe. That’s a religious figure. I respect wee Joe. Just a step dad, wasn’t he. I bet Jesus didn’t even call him dad. I bet Jesus called him Joe. How the fuck was Joe to compete? – His real dad created
compete his real dad created the world the world in a week! And Joe’s in the back garden trying to make him a fucking rocking horse.
- Big Man – Slang for God, often used in a colloquial or informal setting to refer to someone important or powerful.
- Example: “Who’s the big man you’re talking about at the top of your organization?”
- Missus – British informal term for wife or girlfriend.
- Example: “He’s out with his missus tonight, celebrating their anniversary.”
- Punched a wall – An expression indicating extreme frustration or anger, often used humorously or metaphorically.
- Example: “When he found out he didn’t get the promotion, he was so mad, you’d think he punched a wall!”
- Glass half full – An idiom meaning an optimistic outlook or positive attitude.
- Example: “Even when things go wrong, he’s always a glass half full kind of guy.”
- Shooting the shit – A colloquial phrase meaning to chat casually, often about trivial or unimportant matters.
- Example: “We were just shooting the shit in the break room, not really doing any work.”
- Dampener on the enthusiasm – Phrase used when something reduces excitement or enthusiasm.
- Example: “His negative comments really put a dampener on the enthusiasm for the project.”
- Leather somebody – Slang for beating or hitting someone violently, derived from the idea of using leather as a tool for whipping or beating.
- Example: “If he finds out who broke his window, he’ll leather him for sure.”
- Awakening – Here used metaphorically to mean a realization or enlightenment, often to a new perspective or truth.
- Example: “His experience in the war was an awakening to the realities of human suffering.”
- Fucking psycho – Slang for describing someone as crazy or mentally unstable, often used in a derogatory or exaggerative manner.
- Example: “After she threw all his clothes out the window, he called her a fucking psycho.”
- Wee man – Scottish term of endearment meaning “little man,” often used affectionately for a child or young person.
- Example: “Come here, wee man, let me show you how to tie your shoes.”
- Blind cunt – A vulgar and offensive term, used here derogatorily; “cunt” is a very strong swear word, and this usage is particularly inappropriate.
- Example: Given the offensive nature, no example is provided to avoid promoting such language.
