“Silicon Valley” is a satirical comedy about a group of tech entrepreneurs navigating the absurdities, rivalries, and challenges of launching a startup in the competitive tech industry.
I mean, what do we even present tomorrow?
Honestly, anyone?
Why do we
have to present at all?
What’s that supposed to mean?
If we are going to fail and be
humiliated, why do it
on stage in front of 1,000 people and
a live-streamed audience?
Are you saying we shouldn’t even show up?
No offense, but it’s basically
going to be a public execution.
Yes, and public executions
are very popular.
It’s show business.
We are not quitting, Richard.
Look, Erlich, I want to present,
I do, it’s just… I don’t know.
Jesus, are you OK?
What?
Yeah, I… OK.
Yeah, all good.
They let me go.
Who let you go?
When was the last time you slept, Jared?
Absolutely, David.
What are we talking about, gents?
We’re talking about how I didn’t
get to present in the prelims,
because I was too busy getting my face pummelled
so that our team could move forward.
That’s why we’re presenting tomorrow.
And you know what?
We’re going to win.
Yeah, we’re gonna win even if
I have to go into the auditorium
and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.
That’s a lot of jerking.
And we only have ten
minutes to present. So…
So, we’re fucked, aren’t we?
Yeah, even if he’s jerking two at a time, there are,
what, 800 guys in that room?
So that’s 400 times
whatever the mean jerk-time is.
The what?
Mean jerk-time.
I mean, it doesn’t matter,
but, hypothetically,
time is equal to 400
total jerks at a two-dick rate.
Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then
we can cut that in half.
How would he do four guys…?
He’s got two hands, so that’s
two dicks at a time, right?
Look, you have two guys
on either side with their dicks, tip to tip,
so you’re going full-length.
Four, see?
Oh…
From the middle out.
That does make sense.
Like two Shake Weights?
Yeah, so what we’re
trying to do, hypothetically,
is minimise time,
which is 800 dudes,
multiplied by mean-jerk time,
divided by four dicks at a time.
Of course, Erlich would have to
pre-sort guys by height,
so that their dicks lined up.
Not by height, technically.
The measurement that we’re looking for,
really, is dick to floor.
Call that D2F.
Huh.
Oh, my God.
You know, if a guy’s dick was long enough,
it would be able to reach
up or down to another guy with a different D2F.
The longer the dick,
the greater the D2F bridge,
but I would still be able to jerk it off
in one smooth motion…
…I’d just have to
jerk it on an angle.
So D2F sub-1 needs
to equal D2F sub-2,
and D2F
sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4,
where length L creates
a complimentary shaft angle.
Call that theta D.
Now, the orgasm threshold…
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
I’m such an idiot.
Middle out!
Middle out! Middle out!
Oh, my God.
How could I…? Uh…
Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich’s
ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?
Shit. Yeah, I think it would.
Of course, it does.
Time to orgasm, or T2O, has to be the same for each
matching pair of dicks
otherwise I’m wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy
that’s already busted.
Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in.
So when you stroke up
you’re not wasting any energy.
Even so. I think this is
the most reliable metric for stamina.
Guys? Richard’s been locked in here
for almost two hours.
Do we think he’s OK?
Hmm.
You don’t think he’d…
He did seem pretty bummed out.
1. “Show up”
- Definition: To appear or attend somewhere, especially for a scheduled event.
- Example: Despite feeling nervous, she decided to show up for the meeting.
2. “No offense”
- Definition: A phrase used to preface a potentially rude or critical comment to soften its impact.
- Example: No offense, but I think we could have done this project better.
3. “All good”
- Definition: Informal expression meaning everything is fine or under control.
- Example: After the minor mishap, she reassured everyone, “It’s all good.”
4. “Let (someone) go”
- Definition: To fire or release someone from a job or obligation.
- Example: They had to let him go because the company was downsizing.
5. “Get (one’s) face pummeled”
- Definition: Informal and dramatic way to describe being physically beaten or metaphorically defeated.
- Example: He felt like he got his face pummeled after the heated debate.
6. “We’re fucked”
- Definition: Vulgar slang for being in a hopeless or very bad situation.
- Example: When they realized the files were lost, she exclaimed, “We’re fucked!”
7. “Middle out”
- Definition: A specific approach or strategy in problem-solving or execution, used humorously here.
- Example: Their team decided to work middle out, focusing on the most critical components first.
8. “Jerk off”
- Definition: Vulgar slang for masturbation, but also used as a humorous metaphor in problem-solving scenarios here.
- Example: The team joked about calculating time efficiency with the “jerk-off” scenario.
9. “Hotswap”
- Definition: To replace something quickly without interrupting a process, originally a tech term.
- Example: They hotswapped the broken part to keep the machine running.
10. “Dick to floor (D2F)”
- Definition: A humorous and fictional metric created in the text for solving a made-up problem, referring to the distance between a person’s genitalia and the ground.
- Example: The team jokingly calculated optimal D2F alignment to maximize efficiency.
